I am Met-aaaa-ni-ummmm!

7pm: I think my toddler is going off to sleep.

7.05pm: I hear telltale heavy breathing, as of a small child engaged in dastardliness, down the baby monitor.

7.06pm: I find him plastered in Metanium. Which, by the way, is definitely the most effective nappy barrier cream – it took about ten goes to wash this off.