#172344134 / gettyimages.com Humans are a kindly breed, generally. They rarely say what they think to your face, above all if it’s about your children. But through years of experience, I have decoded a few popular phrases uttered in the direction of your offspring.

Is it a boy or a girl? Where are its eyes? 
2. We are a child-friendly pub / restaurant / café / museum.

 We are not a child-friendly pub / restaurant / café / museum.
3. Oof, she’s a heavy one, isn’t she?

 What’s in your boobs, chocolate milk?
Are you feeding him at all?
I’m not sorry at all. Your child blatantly just hit mine.
6. Bit snuffly, isn’t she? Take her to hospital now!
7. I’ll text you to arrange. I’m never having her for a playdate again.
8. He’s very sensitive, isn’t he?
9. They’re very lively, aren’t they? Seriously, if they don’t stop jumping round my furniture, I’m going to kick you out.
10. She’s very shy, isn’t she?

 Oh my goodness, she’s wet.
11. She’s been absolutely fine. She’s taken my house to pieces and made everyone cry. Don’t ever darken my doorstep again.
Does she ever stop talking?
Are you the most irresponsible mother ever?
14. How old is he, again?

 He’s a shortarse, isn’t he?
16. We are all about encouraging children to read.

 If your children don’t stop running round the library, I’m calling the police.
17. She’s a good girl, isn’t she?
18. He’s really bright, isn’t he?
19. Your children are so sweet together.

 Are you going to intervene before they kill each other or what?
21. Thirsty little fella.

#88801529 / gettyimages.com Obviously, many people say these things and mean exactly what they say, bless their hearts. For the others, smile sweetly – and avoid them for the rest of your life. Parenting: Then and Now. Then: baby bent over. Now: he does baby yoga.